Learning How to Parent
How I Formed My Parenting Goals and Ideals
If you know me, you know that my relationship with my nuclear family is complicated. My father died when I was 8 and I was quickly parentified1 and I was forced to sacrifice a lot when it came to the care of my younger sister. She is only three years younger than me, and my mother did not have more children until after I left for college. Despite spending most of my adult years teaching children and young adults in some capacity, and being a doula, I actually had very little exposure to children under the age of 7 before I became a mom. Teaching comes naturally to me but… discipline2? And disciplining people who can’t talk or reason… I felt totally lost as the end of pregnancy loomed. I knew that this is perhaps the most important part of parenting that is unique to the vocation. Yes, first and foremost I should love my children — but helpful discipline pours forth from that love, as a parent’s job is to prepare children to live well in the world on a path toward heaven.
Like most people these days, I knew I didn't want to recreate my childhood for my children. My mom and I do not have a relationship and while there are a lot of reasons for that, the chasm between us began when I was a child. A phrase I frequently yelled at her when we fought was “Why do you make me stay home if you don’t even like me?” I had a distinct feeling that my mother did not find me interesting or fun, and I also did not feel she respected me. Of course, I can’t be sure if that is really true, but it is the way her words and actions made me feel at the time.
Yet, when I thought about the family I wanted to cultivate, I imagined my adult children kissing me on the cheek before they left my home. If something terrible happened to them like a miscarriage, I imagined that they would let me hold them when they cried and care for their ailing bodies just as I did when they were babies. I imagined my teenagers wanting my honest opinion on the quality of an essay they wrote. I imagined they would have the confidence to leave home and the same confidence that they could and should come home whenever they need. Basically, I wanted to cultivate a lifelong relationship of mutual respect and intellectual companionship with my children. My husband and I wanted to become parents not just for the baby snuggles and the funny things 7 year-olds say, but we dreamed of raising adults who would be our friends and companions and who could rely on us until our death. We dreamed of cultivating an unhurried and intentional life filled to the brim with connection instead of stuff or achievement.
Although God gave me this beautiful vision for family, I wasn’t sure how to carry it out. Obviously, I was not given the blueprint in my own childhood. However, as I honestly thought and prayed about what kind of parent I wanted to be, God started sending me a lot of wonderful and helpful resources that I now want to share with you. I was blessed to come across most of this material in my first pregnancy, but it’s never too late to switch gears and try something new. As a teacher, I know it’s much harder to switch gears when bad patterns have already been put in place — but as they say: the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago and the next best time is today! If parenthood isn’t going how you planned or isn’t as enjoyable as you think it should be (and yes it should be enjoyable!), don’t cheat yourself and your kids by keeping the status quo.
I hope you will find these resources helpful in beginning to piece together a blueprint of the family culture you want to cultivate. Our job isn’t just to raise humans and send them out to be successful worker ants — we want to raise virtuous people who can live well in community — and community starts in our nuclear families. If you are a Christian, then you also want to raise children who love God and there is no better way to do that than through mutual respect and connection.
“It’s their childhood, and it’s your motherhood.”
Nurture by Erica Chidi
Cultivating a spirit of slowness and intentionality in your family can start in pregnancy. Too many people spend pregnancy in a rush to get to the end as if it’s not a season of opportunity in itself. Nurture does a great job of informing new parents about pregnancy, birth, and the options pertaining to each without fear mongering or creating a false sense of urgency or lack. I love giving this book to first time moms, but I revisit it as well! Chidi is a warm balm to the soul.
Elevating Child Care by Janet Lansbury
This is a short but sweet book that will change the way you communicate with children. Lansbury opened up the inner world of children in a way that felt intuitive but I still would not have arrived at on my own. I learned that even toddlers are capable of more complex communication than most people realize, and that they thrive when you talk to them as you would another adult. This book is a must read for every parent of young children. If you are interested in cultivating a relationship based on respect instead of fear with your children, if you want your teenagers to tell you when they mess up instead of hide from you, this book is all about planting those seeds in early childhood.
A Theory of Objectivist Parenting by Roslyn Ross
Another short one, this is easy to read but a little dry. I still recommend it as essential reading. It is essential that we view children as real people with inner worlds just as real and complex as our own, and this book will help you recognize and internalize that reality. It will also help you realize how often you react to your child’s age appropriate behavior from a triggered state — and that you have the tendency to act like an authoritarian tyrant instead of a authoritative leader more often than you’d care to admit.
Bringing Up Bebe
I listened to Bringing Up Bebe as an audiobook on a whim while I was pregnant and I think some people found it stupid and useless — but the general take aways I got from it, I think, informed my parenting in a positive way. It’s basically an expat’s perspective on how French parenting is different compared to “typical” American parenting.
If I had not been intentional about it, I think my default would have been to become a helicopter/bulldozer mom. This book helped me walk into motherhood with the knowledge that it’s okay to let babies and small children figure things out and it’s okay to let them experience discomfort because it’s how they learn. It also helped me know when to step in to alleviate that discomfort. With my first child I experienced some really intense postpartum anxiety and I think having read this book while pregnant helped me not go completely off the rails during the postpartum period. I hear a lot that my children are very “chill” and curious, and I think I, in part, owe that to the peace this book gave me about letting even my young babies explore and be uncomfortable sometimes.
Heaven on Earth by Sharifa Oppenheimer
This book is not so much about babies but really becomes more relevant around the 18 month or 2 year old range. Inspired by the Waldorf educational philosophy, Heaven on Earth shares how to create magical but grounding daily rhythms with children. If you aspire to a household full of whimsy, fun little songs, and earthy crafts then you will find this book inspiring and grounding. It also has a lot of great advice on how to communicate meaningfully with children and protect their innocence.
Mellow Mama Podcast
Kate is a treasure of a human! I think a lot of people write her off because she is a a blonde and a beautiful woman — but she is very deep, wise, and a great teacher. If you struggle with understanding what Lansbury or Ross talk about in their books I think Kate does a great job in her podcast of distilling the ideas down to practical and teachable moments. What I find most encouraging about her story is that she was able to implement the principals of “respectful parenting” while she was a single mother fleeing an abusive relationship for several years. When I have days where I find it hard to live up to my parenting ideals I literally think “if Kate did it without a supportive spouse, I can definitely turn things around and do it with all the support I have.” I also appreciate how she emphasizes that being a good parent really comes down to reparenting and regulating yourself — without that, it won’t matter how responsive our kids are to our bids to control and manipulate them into good behavior because they will respond to our disregulation by being disregulated themselves. Lifelong obedience and discipleship will come from a strong relationship between you and your child — a relationship based on fear may buy obedience in the short term (if at all) but it will cost you connection now and when your children are grown.
1000 Hours Outside Podcast
I love this podcast because it is not just about getting your kids outside but every episode is on new and thought provoking topics that inspire me to improve my family’s general health and wellness, and also to push myself to new heights as the mother and keeper of the household. I’ve learned about all kinds of things from the effects of mouth-breathing to the benefits of rucking (which is an especially good and accessible workout for women!). I love that the podcast is not just for mothers or Christians, but the host is a mother and Christian.
Have you read any of these books? Did you find them helpful or inspiring? I’d love to hear your thoughts. If you like my work, please support me by sharing this piece with other parents who may find it helpful or interesting!
“Parentification is when a child is forced to take on the role of a supportive adult within their family. For example, a parentified child may be required to take care of their younger siblings or referee their parents’ arguments. These developmentally inappropriate situations arise when parents cannot fully care for themselves. The phenomenon occurs on a spectrum, and it can lead to significant short-term and long-term challenges.” Psychology Today.
In this essay when I talk about discipline I am not referring to punishment but rather teaching and training.
I recommend Nurture to everyone now!